What in the fucking fuck…..

I’ve completley accepted that I’m going to be forver alone. 

A bunch of cats, and a cool wardrobe, and sporadic hot stranger sex forever alone, though. 

Can I just be somebody else for like 2 weeks?

I’m over this attempting to be partnered bullshit. I hate this. 

For those of you who still actually date (this is a heteronormative question, sorry everyone else), does the man still “order for the table” or is this archaic/passe?

I started speaking with my ex again recently. An inquiry about a gchat status lead to an IM convo, led to a phone call, etc. After some benign conversation he calls me, and professes all these feelings he still has for me, that he pines over pictures of me/us, and apologizes for some things that happened between us. As wonderful as it was to get an apology (not that it matters in the slightest), I was angry. Who are you to pop back up all random? I told him I didn’t feel the same, and that I wasn’t interested in this. He told me that whoever I was seeing right now didn’t matter, that he still loved me. I’d forgotten his specific brand of arrogant. I let him go on because it was kind of entertaining to let him make a fool of himself, and who doesn’t like being told how wonderful they are, especially when it’s by some drunken fool in a different timezone?

Anyway, he’d Oh So Casually mentioned in a previous conversation the he was currently single. To keep it brief, the actions of another woman (the one he’d allegedly broken up w) narrate a very different story. Honestly, most people would just go straight to the assumption that she’s the crazy ex (I’ve certainly had some not so kind thoughts about her), but something really tells me otherwise in this instance. This man was smart enough to have me wrapped up for a solid 3 years, I don’t think he’s keeping company with someone who’s just batshit insane. Especially when it comes to this man, I know what it feels like to have your totally and justified rational fears and insecurities downplayed to the point to where it feels like your a nagging, clingy, needy bitch. I don’t like to project my past experiences on to others, but Everything in my soul tells me that is what’s going on here.

All of that, led me to writing this [minor details have been removed from the letter & the ^^^above explanation - I don’t want to blast anyone, I just needed to vent]:

Hey —,

if you’ve checked facebook recently, you should see that I removed you as a friend. It may seem a bit childish, but for you it’s necessary. I’d prefer to call and tell you all of this, but it’s 6am where you are and frankly I don’t feel like waiting for a polite hour to call. I should apologize to you for our recent interactions, because I don’t want to leave you under the assumption that there is the possibility of me loving you as well. I’m no longer attracted to you in any way, and I used you to stroke my ego. I shouldn’t have done any of that.
Our recent conversations have stirred up emotions in me that I don’t want or need. I wont go into major detail about what I was feeling, or what triggered this, because they’re not needed and I don’t owe you an explanation. I’m seeing huge patterns in things that happened between us repeating themselves. I want no parts of any of that. I’ve learned to trust my instincts and you are raising all of my red flags. I know you said you don’t have a girlfriend, but I think you’re too good a judge of character to spend so much time with a woman who behaves irrationally for no reason. I know what that felt like and I won’t be a factor in doing that to someone else. 
If any part of this email comes off as angry or malicious, please know that’s not my intention. I just can’t fathom our continued friendship being beneficial to anyone’s long tem happiness. You apologized to me for how you treated me, and I really want to believe it was genuine. I am really happy with my life right now; I am surrounded by people who care about me and things are going well for me. I truly wish you the absolute best in your endeavors. I hope your name is mentioned in the same breath as Scorsese, and you have the Jada to your Will to boot.

Best wishes in everything you do.

I followed up with a quick facebook note to her too, just saying I won’t be speaking to him anymore, I hadn’t intended to offend her or cause any bad blood in their relationship, & there was no ill will between she and I. I’d like to think I handled this in something that resembles a ladylike and adult manner. I’ve washed my hands of the whole thing as of this morning.

I don’t consider myself Christian at all, but that verse popped into my head as I was writing this. [Quotes from ancient & religious texts have been fluttering around my brain a lot recently. I guess pushing those to the forefront is my mind’s way of combatting all of the foolishness I’ve been injecting it with lately?]

• K$: Lol, ok. Just ask her then. I find the thought of rejection much easier to bear when I'm prepared for it.
• DonDesigner: See I give a fuck about rejection
• DonDesigner: It just goes back and forth kinda...deep down I think I need more success under my belt
• K$: Ok, so what do you want from her then?
• DonDesigner: The gauntlet
• K$: ???
• DonDesigner: Time, attention, sex, affection, everything
• K$: Wow...

love being single - now. It took me a long time to get there. And durning the process of getting here, I learned how to figure out what I want, and need and really like. I have an impossibly high very though & discerning list of standards.

I’m more an more cool with that daily. Becasue I deserve it. And everything I ask for, is nothing less than I’m willing to give. A lot of things on there (to me anyway), seem pretty basic…but you’d be surprised. These standards are not made to suit ‘the average man’, because I don’t want  ‘the average man’. I want my equal and compliment. These are in no way intended to meet or match anyone’s ideals & desires but my own. These standards are unreasonable because I am unreasonable, and he should be as well, whoever he is.

• Accepting of/open to vegetarianism/veganisim
• Accepts/loves/respects natural hair
• Appreciates good food
• Can cook, even if minimally
• Can deal with weaves
• Can entertain advice without automatically rejecting/accepting it, and does so
• Can keep house
• Can make decisions independently of his friends/family, and does so
• Can prioritize & does so
• Clear on his sexuality
• Considerate
• Culturally aware, but not excessive/exclusive
• Eco-conscious
• Educated / In school
• Emotionally open
• Employed
• Faithful in relationships
• Financially responsible
• Funny
• Generous
• GGG / No sexual hang-ups
• Goal & career oriented
• Good hygiene
• Good kisser
• Has a good relationship with his family
• Has no children
• Has outside hobbies
• Health conscious
• Knows how to tastefully wear jewelry/accessories, and does so
• Knows how to wear fragrances properly, and does so
• Likes animals
• Loves children
• Mentally and emotionally stable
• Musically open-minded
• No convictions
• No ex-girlfriend drama
• No STDs/STIs/VDs
• Not a Republican / Has Left leaning political values
• Not a workaholic, but a good provider
• Not condescending/ patronizing
• Not possessive/ overly jealous
• Not superficial
• Open to/ interested in the arts or artistically inclined
• Organized
• Politically aware / active, but not excessive
• Religiously open-minded
• Respectful
• Responsible for his actions
• Romantic & thoughtful
• Self – confident
• Slightly “geeky/ nerdy”
• Smart and intelligent
• Standard of beauty thoroughly includes / is centered around women of African descent
• Takes pride in his appearance
• Wants children, at an appropriate time
• Well read
• Well traveled / desires & intends to travel
• Well-mannered